she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
