nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
