i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
