You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize