my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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