For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
