I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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