I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
