I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
