i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
