Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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