Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
