Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
