I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
