Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
