I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
