sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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