You're my little dorito
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How does it feel to date your dad?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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