Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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