Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
