So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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