i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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