I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
