so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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