Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
