I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
