I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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