im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need to calm my uterus...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
