the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
