I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My vagina is officially offended.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
