you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
