i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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