so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
