I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
