I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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