Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
