I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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