apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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