how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
