i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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