Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
