Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
