is wine microwaveable?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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