I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
