i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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