I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
