u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
