We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
