i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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