Your face is a jimmy john
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
