yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
