if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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