there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
