Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
