I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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