went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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