I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
