id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
