i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize